Okay, so yesterday I spent the morning in jail. To fully enjoy the story, I'll have to start at the beginning; about a year and a half ago.
I was just leaving work, so it must have been close to midnight. To leave the employee parking lot at the airport, you have to swipe out with you badge. Michael and I had a game that we used to play. A little game I liked to call "steal the swipe". Basically, one of us would wait for the other one to swipe out, and then fly out of the gate before the swiper could, effectively stealing the swipe, and causing him/her to have to swipe again. Now, there was a lot of subtlety to this game, and I could post a whole blog about the intricacies of swipe stealing, cuz there's a couple of good stories there, and swipe stealing is an art unto itself! But I won't.
Anywho, this particular night, I managed to steal Michael's swipe and took off, chuckling, down the road. The road leaving the employee parking lot is pretty steep, and you build up a fair amount of speed. "Speed" being the key word here. So I sped right by an airport cop and was pulled over and cited for speeding. (The irony here being that, had I not stolen Michael's swipe, HE would have been speeding down the hill in front of me and gotten stopped first! This was confirmed the next day when he said "good thing I wasn't in front of you!") Rather than agree to pay the fine, I decided to go to court and opt for Driver's Improvement school. That way, the ticket would stay off my record and my insurance wouldn't go up.
So, I go to court, get my DI school date, and pay all the court costs. Said court costs adding up to about $3 less than the actual speeding ticket would have cost. Sweet, I'm up by three bucks!
So, the day of my first DI class, David decides to plan a HUGE poker party with all of our friends at our house. Food, buy in's, the whole nine. Well, I can't very well play hostess to a party when I'm not there, so I call and reschedule the DI school. Which costs another $25.
But it's all good, at least I'll get to hang out with my friends. A few days later, I find out that David has cancelled the poker party, and forgot to tell me. Doh!!! Oh well, at least I get to sleep in that Saturday!
So the day comes for my next DI class, and I completely and totally forget about it. I don't even remember until I'm driving to work the next day. At which point I completely freak out and plan on going to jail. It was a Sunday, so I couldn't even call anyone to find out what I needed to do.
Monday rolls around (keeping in mind this is will over a year ago!) and I call the courthouse and tell them I forgot about my class. They inform me that since I missed the second class, there will be a bench warrant issued, blah blah blah. She looks up my case and tells me "Oh, I'm showing that you DID attend the class. They have you marked as present.". Of course, I'm not going to argue, so I say something about "yeah, I was just wanting to make sure they had me on the list, yada yada yada" cuz I'm not gonna be like "oh no, I wasn't there, please reschedule me or arrest me!" So I'm thinkin I totally got out of it. Yessssss!
Well, about 9 months later I get a notice to appear in metro court on failure to attend class. Since I can't very well say that I thought they had me marked as present, I reschedule yet AGAIN. Another $25. So now that's like $50 more than the actual speeding fine would have been.
DI is scheduled for some Saturday in February. February comes around, and the Friday before the Saturday of my class, I decide to take a day trip to Seattle to have lunch with Danny and Lisa and baby Alyssa. (Chipotle's was delicious, by the way!) It was just supposed to be a day trip. I arrived in Seattle at noon, and had until about 5 o'clock. Five hours hanging out with friends, cool. (Got to hand out with Danny and Ehren at the same time, which is always good for some laughs!) We had joked around all day about me getting stuck there, missing my flight, ha ha, we laughed, soo funny. Turns out I got stuck there and had to stay the night. Missed my DI class again!
A month or so rolls by, and I get a bench warrant in the mail AND a notice that my stinkin' license is suspended. It's gonna cost $200 to clear up the warrant.
Alright, so I have a bench warrant out, and a suspended license. I do what any normal person does, and drive very carefully, so as not to attract any unwanted attention from the fuzz! I've been doing great. No speeding, which, really, is my only vice when driving.
Cue to yesterday morning, and I do mean MORNING. I have to leave my house around 4am to get to work on time without speeding or breaking any other traffic laws. Yesterday morning I left at about 10 after four, I was running late.
There is an arrow light to get onto the freeway from Juan Tabo, and USUALLY when I run it (I know, I know) I always look around to make sure there are no cops. Hey, it's freakin' four in the m orning, who is out at that time anyway!! Well, yesterday I decide to sail right through that puppy. As I'm sailing through the red arrow I think "Oh crap, I didn't even check for cops. Oh well, there's never any . . ." Before I can even finish the thought, I see red lights in my rear view mirror and I know that I'm totally screwed.
So the cop asks me for my license, reg, and insurance. I tell him that there is a bench warrant for my arrest because I forgot about DI school. Forgot, right. So he goes back to his cruiser and looks everything up. I take this opportunity to text my coworker and tell him that I will probably be late to work because I'm going to jail. I'm quite sure he thinks I am kidding.
The officer comes back to the car, asks me to step out, turns me around, and cuffs my wee little wrists. He plops me in the back seat of the patrol car (which, by the way, aren't cushiony, like normal cars. Nope. Hard plasticy stuff to sit on!) and closes me in. My heart is beating out of my chest, and there are a million thoughts racing through my mind. He says nothing. He opens the little cab driver's window between the front and the back, blared the radio, and drives me to the slammer. There's nothing to calm the nerves like a little Pantera that early in the morning!
Finally, we pull up to the outside of the facility, and he finally turns the radio off and starts talking to me. He gives me a break on the red light. He tells me that, if it's any consolation, I should get out of there pretty quickly, and then I won't have the warrant hanging over my head. He apologizes profusely for having to do this to me. I tell him it's not his fault I'm on the lam. He laughs. We chat for a few more minutes (I'm still in cuffs here, by the way!). I tell him a few stories which crack him up. Cuz, you know, I'm a funny chick! He gets me out of the car, and takes me inside the facility.
We get to the inside of the facility, and it's me, my arresting officer, three prison guards, and four stumbling, drunk, smelly men. Great. (Let me point out here that I am in my work uniform!) So, once again looking apologetic, the cop removes my cuffs and processes me. During the time he's processing me, about 6 other smelly drunk men arrive and I can feel their eyes boring into the back of me. (Not because I was anything to look at, cuz, trust me, at 4:30 in the morning, I look llike Gollum!). I try to stand as tall and unintimidated looking as I can. The officer lets me jot some phone numbers down from my cell phone. The only place I can write them on is my skin. (A HUGE pet peeve of mine is being written on! HUGE HUGE! I hate it! It grosses me out!) Then the locker room lady makes my inventory my stuff so she can take it away from me. After this is over, the barks at me to have a seat with the other inmates!! "Other inmates" being 10 or so drunk guys who are already eye balling my like a Christmas turkey. Or maybe a Christmas tamale.
The officer, thank God, tells me I can stay on the other side of the room, next to him. Whew. At this point, a couple of the other inmates start to make some lewd comments. The were shut up quickly.
He takes me into the next room, and cuts me loose to the warden. I slink away into cell numba 3. It is a tiny room with a toilet behind a two foot wall, just in case I needed to pee. It's freezing, and my clothes are sticking to the bench. I can feel them pull off when I lean away. I don't even want to know why it's so sticky in there!
They call me out again, and I have to sign once more for my belongings. The lady tells me that once I post the $2o0 bond and the paper work is complete, I'm free to go. I'm finally allowed to make phone calls. That's right, call"s". Apparently, the one phone call thing is a myth, cuz I could have made all the phone calls I wanted. I call David and he doesn't answer. Mostly cuz it's 5 in the morning, and he's still asleep. So I call Deb, and when I hear her voice, I finally start to cry. I squeak out that I'm in jail, David needs to bring $200 in cash and come bail my ass out!
After a few seconds, I compose myself. I talk to my mom, and, finally, to David. David, who is eerily calm. He says that after he gets the kids up and dressed and to my mom's, he'll be on his way.
Around this time in the ole' jail house, it was shift change, so they had to put us all on lock down. "Us" is comprised of the aforementioned drunk men, and the four other women who seem to have appeared out of nowhere. One of whom is a Russian hooker. Now, I don't mean a Russian hooker like the kinds you see on "Law & Order". Beautiful, exotic accent, gorgeous body. No, I mean a hooker who is Russian. An older woman, a little on the large side, with crazy hair which stuck out in all directions. There were five of us on lock down in our freezing cold cell. Them, in their normal clothes, even the Russian hooker. And me. In my stupid work uniform!!! The gals start trading clink stories. We are interrupted by breakfast. A brown bag with soggy vanilla creme cookies, a ball of bacon and mayonaise wrapped up in white bread (gag!), an orange, a bag of cheese nips, and a bit of orange juice. I inhale the cheese nips and orange juice like I've been trekking through the desert with no food or water for a week. The Russian hooker asks to have my cookies. I oblige.
While we are sitting the the cell, one of the wardens calls me out and says that they are going to allow me to self bond out. "So post your bond and get outta here!"
Whew! I call David, who just posted my bond outside and is waiting in the parking lot. We get a few things squared away. David, who is still eerily calm.
I'm sent back into my cell. The girls ask me what time it is, cuz you lose all track of time in there. No clocks or anything. Just a sky light by which to guage the time of day. Before the lock the door, I burst back out and ask the time. "8:09". I inform the girls. All of whom have been in custody since about 10 pm the night before. So I stop complaining about having been at this since 4:30 am. I don't want them to shank me. I've seen those women in prison movies!! Besides, they were all pretty nice. Even the Russian hooker.
Finally, shift change is over and they allow us into the common area. Men on one side, women on the other. I'm looking around for free weights or something to pass the time. Finally, Frau Warden starts calling names of folks who are to be released. Everyone is anxiously awaiting their name. "Nicole". Yesssss! She asks me a few questions, to make sure that I am Nicole. I don't know why she just didn't look at my mug shot, which was attached to the paperwork!
We all have to go single file into yet another holding cell. They stick me in a room with three other women. Two of whom are in orange jump suits. Their conversation is as follows:
Woman 1: "Man those assholes in the mens cell won't get word to my old man that I'm about to get sprung. He's only got 7 weeks left on his sentence. They won't even talk to him for me!"
Woman 2: "Really! My old man gots 8 months left on his sentence. Who got your kids?"
W1: They with my mama. Man it sure do stank in here. Who gots perfume??!"
At which point I'm holding my paperwork in front of my face, trying not to laugh, and thinking "yes, I have perfume. They took all of my belongings away, but somehow I managed to sneak in perfume. Here, have some!"
They file us out, allow the orange jumpsuited women to change, and make us line up against the wall. The orange jumpsuited women smell worse in their regular clothes.
Woman 1: "Wooooo, my clothes smell like body odor and alcohol! You got any perfume?" to Woman 2.
Woman 2: "Shit, they threw away my Halston right in front of my face. My $26 Halston. I shoulda just left it in my car. (Looking at me now) Can you believe they threw away my Halston?"
I'm trying to look as incredulous as she sounds. Trying to be empathetic with the toothless smelly woman seemed like a good idea at the time . . .
We are herded into another room and given our belongings back. They call three names, one of them mine, one of them, the Russian hooker. We have rides and Frau will walk us out to the front.
Finally, I can see the glorious day light. I'm just steps away from freedom! Steps, I tell you!! They opened the wrong damn door, so now we have to wait another five minutes while they close that door, secure it, blah blah blah. I can see David in the car from where I'm at.
They let me out. I'm walking in between two twenty-foot high barbed wire fences. I feel like Andy Dufrene in "Shawshank Redepmtion" when he finally lands in the river thing after crawling through the sewage pipes! I can smell the fresh air. I can feel the sun on my skin. Sweet freedom!!! Finally, I get in the car. David, eerily calm David. He asks me one favor: If I would please stop at all the red lights on the way home.
