Overhwelmed by a Moment

My life, in this moment, is absolutely, blissfully, achingly perfect.

I am 36 weeks pregnant.  I've spend the day making the final preparations for the arrival of my new baby girl, Charlie Maria Bella.  Her crib is sitting in my room with fresh, new blankets.  The space it left in her sisters room seems gaping, and completes the look of Alex's "Big Girl Room".  It's crazy how something as simple as moving a crib out of the room seems to make Alex seem that much older.

And as ready as I am for this pregnancy to be over, I know that I must savor and cherish these last few weeks as just the four of us.  It has been just the four of us for four years.  We have all learned our routines.  We each know what part the others play in our family dynamic.  And I love it.  It will be a bittersweet passing for me.

Tonight is a quintessential moment of perfection as "just the four of us".

David and I went out on a date.  Perhaps the last date where we are leaving just two babies at home instead of three.  Dinner was divine.  Instead of going to a movie afterwards, we decided to buy "Kung Fu Panda" and go home and watch it with our babies, Jakob and Alex.

We return home and call upstairs to the kids to come down and see the surprise we've gotten them.  Jakob comes down the stairs, wearing just his shortes and a robe with sports balls all over it.  He looks like a little man.  Alex comes down wearing her princess tee shirt and some too-small pink sweats.  We show them "Kung Fu Panda" and they respond as if they've been given the gift of immortality.  Alex, running down the hall to her Nana, is exclaiming, in her sweet voice, "It's what I've always been wanting!"

We settle down on the couch to watch the movie.  Alex, wrapped in a blanket and laying in what's left of my lap; myself and David, sharing a blanket; and Jakob on the other side of David, in his robe.  Jakob leans over to David and tells him "Daddy, I can't wait to laugh!"

We are sitting watching the movie, and I am suddenly overwhelmed by the perfection of my life at this moment.

My funny, stubborn, willful, thoughtful daughter who has beautiful feet.  My husband, who fought so hard for me, even as I was breaking his heart.  And my sweet, sensitive, witty, bright son who loves to make his sister laugh.  It becomes almost surreal in it's perfections.  Rockwellian in it's tenderness.  Simpson-esque in it's humor.

At this moment, I feel like the luckiest, most blessed girl (I still don't think of myself as a woman!) in the wide world.

I shall cherish this scene in my heart for the rest of my life.  Even as I look forward to moments that will equal, perhaps surpass, this one in emotion, I know that right now, at this time, there are no other three people in the world that I would rather be with.

It's funny how at such unseeming times, God reveals himself in something as simple and complex as a family.  I wasn't particularly seeking Him.  Honestly, I wasn't even thinking about him.  But, looking at my family, it's undeniable that he is here.  Watching "Kung Fu Panda" with us.

I can't wait for Charlie to join us, and be a part of something so sacred.

Double Edged Sword

So there is a whole block of songs that I absolutely LOVE, but I can't listen to them very often.  They remind me of the black hole I was beginning to descend into almost at this same time last year.  It's a bittersweet feeling.

Bitter because when I listen to them, I can close my eyes and remember how bleak everything was, and how broken my heart was, and how I had broken a heart.  I can remember lying on my bed playing one song in particular over and over, and just crying until there were no tears left to cry.  Until the next day, when they ran fresh.  So vivid is the memory, I can feel my chest constrict and my vision begin to blur at the opening chord progression.  It's almost like I'm watching from above as I sing deeper into the abysmal depth that I thought I couldn't get out of.  My mind even does that movie cinematography thing where the camera kinds of spirals up from the girl on the bed in the fetal position.  (The only good memory I have of that time is weighing 128 pounds, at the same Dr's. appointment where I was prescribed antidepressants and antianxiety meds!  Told ya I was jacked up!!)

Sweet because I can open my eyes and look back and see how far I've come.  And when I realize just how far, the tears become tears of gratefulness.  I can look back and see the baby steps that got me to where I am right now.  Baby steps that, at the time, seemed ineffective and even counterproductive!  But a baby step is still a step, and lots of baby steps add up.

I'd like to think that I've learned a lot about myself since then.  Exposed weaknesses that I thought I was immune to, and strengths that I didn't know I had.  I've lost any kind of ability to b s about life being great when it's not, to give the response I've been trained to give.  To pretend I don't need help when everything inside of me is desperately longing for it.

I've also learned that I'm not the only person to experience any of this, which in some kind of perverse way, makes it a little easier.  And when we can stop being afraid of not living up to self imposed expectations, and other-people-imposed expectations, and start being honest, that healing can happen.  And when it's all said and done, we end up more whole than before we started.  The pieces may all be arranged a little differently, but who said different is bad!

Jeremiah 29:11

Anatomy of Hate

It takes more effort to hate someone than to love them.  Or even be indifferent.  Why do I waste so much energy and emotion completely loathing someone who is only in my life peripherally??

Practically speaking, I have so many reasons to hate her, I can rotate them around and not repeat one for months!

She has caused so much hurt and despair to the people I love the most.  I see them trying to love her and her doing everything she can to make them hate her.  Why was it so easy for me to stop loving and start hating???

I look at her life and realize that, by a simple twist of fate, it could have been mine.  Is that why I hate her so much?  Do I see some glimmer of myself in her, and think that maybe if I hate her enough, I won't turn into her?  Like some sort of checks and balances, maybe?

Or, worse, what if you become what you hate?  Like Luke Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi".  You know the scene where Emperor Palpatine is encouraging Luke to feed his hatred.  And for a while, Luke does, but when he realizes that my doing that, he is becoming what he hates.

Or, is hate just a deformed expression of love??  I'd LIKE to think that that's viable, if only to soothe my scorched conscience.  I'd even settle for getting to the point where I don't give a fig, either way.  Indifferent.  Neither here nor there.

Family

I have come, and am continuing to come to, the realization that I have an amazing, unique family.

What to me is completely normal is, to most, unheard of.  What I take for granted, most people don't even know exists.  I know, because I've heard it from countless friends who have been expose to my family for any amount of time.

I am part of an amazing legacy that began with my grandparents and their 16 children.  It was my grandpa's last wish that his children, and their children, ad their children, would remain close.  Close to Godm and close to each other.  And we have.

I know of few families who have what I have.  I know that at any time, day or night, I can call any one of a hundred people and have someone to pray for me, to listen to me, to laugh with  me, cry with me, tell me when I'm being stupid.  And they know it too!

That's not to say that we don't have drama.  Any microcosm of people does.  And we have more than our share.  But, when push comes to shove (as it often does with such a large group!) we are there for each other.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, fourth cousins.  No exaggeration.

Which brings me to my microcosm within in the microcosm.  My mama and her seven children.  I can't imagine anything other than what I have.  I can't imagine having brothers and sisters and living far away from them.  My sister moved out of state for several years, and it threw us all off kilter.  Gatherings weren't as sweet without the three of them.  It left a gaping hole.  My husband and I moved away to Denver for a blink, and I almost suffocated outside of the loving crush of my family.

You would think that with 43 people in my immediate family, we wouldn't miss when one or two doesn't show up.  And sometimes we don't, until we have them back, and it's glaringly obvious that we are whole again, even if just for that all too brief gathering.

And talk about drama!  We've got more drama than an afternoon soap opera!  Especially since the majority of my siblings are girls, and there's even one brother who could probably pass for a sister.  And, no, I'm not talking about the brother who likes $80 face cream!

There's nothing I'd rather do than spend the afternoon with all of them.  Brother's, sisters, (in-laws included!), nieces, nephews, great nieces, great nephews.  I thrive.  It's like air to me.  To all of us.  It's healing.  And without it, we all begin to wilt and fade, like a flower that needs to be watered.

Unique.  At times, a pain in the ass.  Wonderful.  Sustaining.  My Family.

Mama Fran John John Stephanie John-boy Ashlynn Shellie Luciano Audrie Erik Scott Melanie Tom Jackie Heather Thomas Nicole Courtney Dougie Emma Kimberly Ally Jelena Jeremy Rebecca Debbie Leo Will Joseph Katie Doug Denise John Mattie Dom Mark Meghan Michaela Nicole David Jakob Alex

And countless Brown's, who are too many to name, but as much a part of the legacy as I!